My Sweet Song

I ain’t, I ain’t coming back. 
I’ve already been there, done that.
And I’m done with you messing with my mind.
The last times the last time, baby.
I can only change who I am so much, and all I can give is all my love. 
And my love ain’t never been enough.
So I ain’t coming back.
I’ve been there, done that.

So you broke my heart, tore it all apart and ended what we had. I cried my tears for you and moved on. Now you come back and tell me she was crazy and it didn’t last more then a week. Well my old friend that is what we call KARMA! You could’ve had all my love, you could have been happy with me and now you’ve got no one and it’s only you to blame for that!

I just had the most wonderful and freeing epiphany… I don’t need YOU in order for ME to be happy. I am worth someone who wants me as much as I want them! I love my self and that is all that matters! 

Its not that I hate you, trust me I don’t. People say I should after all you put me through but I don’t hate you.I hate what you’ve done to me, how broken my heart is because of you. I hate that I miss you even after all of this. But even still I don’t hate you. I’m just not ready to forgive you for playing with my heart and making me think I mattered to you…

Do you ever get that feeling? The one where you know everything has just changed forever. That feeling that makes you want to cry because you want things just to go back, to be the way they were before this moment and they never will. Never, ever. 

I miss the way things were…

So if this week wasn’t bad enough with the loss of an old friend, today I went to figure out what was going on with my grandma, who suffers from Vascular Dementia. She was confused and upset when I arrived as she usually is these days. She doesn’t understand much of whats going on anymore. She gets confused really easily and forgets a lot. Dealing with my grandma over the past few months has been tough, we were always really close when I was little and now she’s barely there.

While dealing with my grandma my BBM beeps and its him again, things have been good with us lately so I didn’t think much of it. I happily picked up my phone to read his message… “I met someone” WHAT THE FUCK?? we weren’t in a relationship because you weren’t ready for a committed relationship and now you have a fucking girl friend?? Does she know you and I were together a week before you two started dating? All the fucking lies you told to string me along and get what you wanted from me… congratulations, you win, I was fooled by you… I cared about you more than anything. I would have done anything to see you smile and now… now you can go fuck your self! You broke my heart for the last time!  

I hope she is everything you ever wanted, I hope she is willing to put up with all your shit and comfort you when you’re having a bad day. I hope you realize that she better be what you want because I will never give you so much as the time of day again. I wont be your fool anymore. You lying sack of shit…

P.s. dear universe when I asked if things could get worse…it was a rhetorical questions, not a challenge!!!! 

hopeslight asked: A smile can change everything, especially yours. Beauty lies within a person, and also on the outside. Your smile and beauty are just a few of your amazing traits that describe who you are. Who you are makes this world better, and you brighten so many peoples days ^___^

Thank you SO much for your words. Today I really needed to be reminded of the good in this world. Sending you all my love darling. This world could use just a little more of it. <3

Alex Thomas Haug:

LAST SEEN MONDAY MAY 14, 2012 AT 4:36 AM IN RITCHIE NEIGHBOURHOOD, EDMONTON, AB http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ritchie,_Edmonton HEIGHT: 6.0’ APROX 145 LBS RED HAIR, BLUE EYES, CAUCASIAN WEARING BLACK PANTS, BLACK T-SHIRT W/RED WRITING READING “POISON ID

Update May 19, 2012

Alex has been found. It has been deemed non-criminal. He took his own life.

Okay, so you may be wondering why I titled this blog entry H.O.P.E. when sadly the hope for Alex to be found alive has been lost. Well to answer that I will say it is because I HOPE that one day we will put an end to suicide. Because I hope one day people will realize that the words they speak and the actions they take have greater affect on people then they realize. So people please let this be a reminder to be kind, to smile at a stranger, to tell the people around you just how much you love them, to do everything you can to make sure that you show kindness and love. And on the flip side, when you are having a bad day, when the world seems to be totally against you please, please remember to H.O.P.E. Hold On Pain Ends! 

Rest in peace Alex you will be missed by so many people who love you dearly. My thoughts and prayers are with your family as they grieve and try to heal from the loss of you. May you be at peace.